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Thursday, 20 April 2017

drips of change



sometimes I seem on top of things , even ahead & then others I have those ah ha moments when I think " oh yeah , why am I just seeing this now "
Like Spring , hey well it is MB after all , perhaps my character is most like spring .Slow to start , jumping ahead , then regressing into full blown winter yet again .
my ah ha moment is realization coming upon reflection of change .
The joys the pains the slow & the just like that . all movement  in fact even within perhaps our own stillness change comes does it not .
a thought is like a breeze appearing & shaking a leaf ever so gently .
age is a huge changer .even our animals , our dogs exhibit change with age .
Our big old maple is changing , is passing , is dying . yet she drips on .
Cleansing drips . shedding . yet having new blood flow .
I think of the Cedar dripping this time of year . The experience of harvesting Cedar while Drops of water fall & wash . I am allergic to Cedar yet this wash does not bother me . It is one of the first cleansings of spring , so pure , it awakens me .
As I age in grandmotherhood this is change of evolution
I am at the point in life where I am now aware it will be my turn next .
My parents generation the ones who have made it to elderlyhood are going , moving on , leaving the here & now .
Watching my mother she changes as quickly in her aging as the first year after birth .
Her movement is ever so slow .
I have the thought now " I don't want my mum to die " & cry when this thought enters .
Before it was a known that yes your parent will pass on , at some point .
Now it is true , it is in my face real .
So I feel a rush to catch up with my mother , in regards to collecting information , in regards to spending time with her .
I also feel the need of great slowness.
 When in her presense to be slow with my ears , with my speach , with my eyes .
To really take it all in one must slow down .
So I am slowing , even more so than before .
hugging grandchildren , some yet to come & those growing ever so quickly the number teen will be entering very soon .
My reflection is showing me , tone down on social media .
Begin to write again .
Record & teach .
It is in this I am making change .
Our lives are changing as well as a unit , as a family .
Our business ventuire is in early stage .
I am preparing with a small group of women to create a lodge .
Our homestead business will help us get our dwelling up & I am more seeing as we walk with the land we will add to have families come who wish to learn as we have learned .
I don't know if this will be inner city families like us who wish to return to homeland or refugee families who came from rural areas & are now stuck in the city .It does not matter the where , if they wish to learn & experience I feel we are to pass it on once we have learned . That is true sharing & giving .
 The lodge . yes a huge ah ha moment .
a womb of willow . imagine that .
Ha ! traditionally a lodge especially for women is constructed of willow .
I had to laugh at myself . time needed to allow me to have many drips of change for that to come . for it to sink in .
So I am continuing this blog , this space for myself . For to express & share in the women's lodge .
The things which pass through my mind .
My folk practices & magical musings .
I may sell items for magical use , smudges etc.
However the actual business will be a new website for our homestead where we will offer product from the boreal & I can write about our setbacks & progress on the homestead . Offering workshops , cabins etc.
This is where I am now in my evolution
The drips have been dropping faster , yet it being only mid-late April I need to be aware a huge back step winter storm may appear at any moment .
So while the drips are fast, new blood flowing  & cleansing I am stepping gently & being kind to myself .
My true slow self in spirit , breath .........
amen



Wednesday, 19 April 2017

dealing with online bully

 

this is my response to dealing with a bully online via social media . & even though my experience initinaly had the effect as it is whenever we are victimized the outcome has been healthy .
this is truely the benefit of having a great tool belt on .
 
I can't say enough how go out & attend all the healthy healing workshops you can on dealing with abuse , bullies etc. go to groups , get a personal therapist /counseller if you can . you may think it was pointless or not worth it . Not True ! we always recieve something , it maybe just 1 helpful sentence within the whole 2 hr workshop . you know how bad stuff can come back to haunt us , well get this,  good stuff comes back too !
So this was my experience & still is as I am finding my way in which to deal & heal .
writing helps in that it helps us reflect . for those who have trouble speaking often writing or drawing , painting is our form of expressing . that is why I say the line " there were no signs " is false in abuse of children . adults are so used to the verbal world . children communicate in so many other ways than just the verbal .
So my writing helps me & then what I have learned , that which is helped me , I then write it in a form it may help others .
last week I already irritated & dealing with anxiety from circumstances here in my non online life . one day read on a friends ( aquantaince clearly not friend ) status yet another hateful outburst towards one specific religion .
this was done via hatefelt speach . I had restrained many times from commenting . I know the why many have anger & express in this way .
 
 yet done under the guise of posting truth to educate which it was not historical nor factual truth . & when one is claiming to be a healer . if you cannot be humble enough to take time out to acknowledge you are hurt & need healing you are not a very healthy healer for others.
especially if it involves my family , friends culture etc. eventually I speak up to defend against a bully .
 
I just finally on who knows how many rant after rant regarding said religion , well, I'd had it . I posted in a rational way why & how her rants were not helping . I even pointed out if we are helping , via writing about abuses etc. the whole point is , does it help others move on , does it promote questions , looking further, reaching out , moving on ............ or does it drive people away ?
can we catch ourselves when we may be doing this , ? seeing our non helpful methods are just as important as knowing our helpful methods
 
ok it became clear anything I said was only enabling her to wish to argue . I apologized , said what I know to be helpful in smoothing things out by saying we both clearly feel we have been working with the same intent we just present in different ways .
explained I would retreat because I'd been irritated as of lately . so I gave polite apology & backed off.
next thing I know I was unfriended . really ? because we disagree . no unfollowing just unfriended . ok
 
yes I did it, I posted passive agressive sarcasism .   was hurt & tired . posted I was the more tolerent as I only chose to unfollow . I can be a smartass at times . was I weak , hurt , probably . is a smartass comment horrible , am I perfect ?
 
Ok so done move on right ? no apparently not !
 this person clearly stalked my pg after unfriending me . maybe she was curious . maybe , but not . it was clear she stalked me because she then began to send me nasty notes . which clearly state what she read on my pg after she unfriended me !
 
remember I did not contact nor reach out after I politely retreated from the initial hatefelt speach she had originally posted in the first place . it was these notes that finally broke me .  I asked her very early on to please stop insulting & harrassing me . she sent more .  after I asked her to stop !
I was falling apart & did block this person ..yet still I thought was I over emotional .?
was I reading this wrong ?
 
 My gf helped me learn to take screen shots with the ph. this is a modern way of recording !
so I sent my gf all the convos to go over 
you see how abusers get you thinking like that ? that is how that cycle works , how you end up 2nd guessing , you self doubt . you wonder are you insane ? this is actually a normal victim response to being abused/bullied
 I responded rationally & I clearly made effort to calm things & apologize , again !
 through all these notes this person does nothing but insult me , tell me how she hopes I have now learned via her teaching me . it is very clear she believes if I were to do whatever she says & believe what ever she says then I & the world would be on ( her ) right track .
arrogance , I guess I do appear to be . on social media can we not all appear like that ? if we show what we know . if we don't show weakness etc. however I don't think I am to be a nothing .
"   I am not destined to be a crack whore "
one of the most loved quotes of all time is from a young woman very dear to my heart it brought tears tears of joy to my heart when I heard them .because I actually know what it took for this person to get to that place where she could say that ! in her core she believes she is of worth !
I am a grandmother now who has learned & does know much .
yes I had very extemely difficult experiences , many of those whom I loved we lost them . So I also made some extremely amazing choices in early age . I did chose to live alternatively , that was me . I did seek to heal so then I could help others heal ..........
 
& I am not perfect , I clearly post my expereince & struggle all the time .
however write about what I know via experience & study . it clearly bothered this person that I chose to do that . yes I have experienced a lot . I write about what I know how & what I was raised in .
So when I write about narcotic addiction , sexual abuse traficking of children & street sex workers this is because I write from expereince & the strength the power the overcomming & the studies I then undertook to help in helping others .
So yeah homebirthing , homeschooling , mothering , alternative folk practices that is from my beginnings . I can actually write about it & write about what I continue to learn . this is not arrogance this is that I actually have expereinced a lot within my lifetime . those whom I love , my cultures I will defend if I see it being attacked & untruths spoken .
I have regrets I wasted time & did not expreience more ! yes I have regret . in fact I think you always should have regret LOL. regret can be positive & can have positive result ............
recently a friend asked what can I not do LOL well I can't ferment very well I do some because my partner likes it . I'm not an amazing cook but I love baking . I know nothing about motorcycles aside from my partner looks hot on one & my son I am extremely proud he can fix . I know nothing about plants in Asia . I don't know carpentry , knitting , how to survive in the artic , how a steam engine works , . some things I know nothing about but have interest in . somethings I know nothing about & I have no interest in .
As a unschooling mum of 6 I had opportunity to study whatever the heck I wanted I was raised to learn like that .
So yes I am taking strength in the women I become more & more like every day .My greats & grands my mother .
 return to the IAM . via them having my back .
I have a strong urge to watch Black Hawk video on youtube now & if I can figure out how to post it I will learning I wish to step back from certain social media venues & begin writing again .
 
 & yeah I am a terrible speller & I cannot figure out how to get blogger spellcheck working !